Hurtful Attitudes in Marriage

Last weekend we stumbled across something that made us stop and re-evaluate our attitude. Sometimes our attitude comes across as a superiority – like when we believe we possess qualities or traits that our spouse doesn’t and become condescending – and this hurts our relationship. By “qualities” and “traits” we mean things such as: generosity, patience, understanding, compassion. Perhaps a couple of examples would help.

Paul: We were talking with another couple when Steph became “hazy” in her recollection of the story she was telling. I interrupted to provide the “correct” information with “clarity and accuracy.” I didn’t notice right away that she had become quiet, and I certainly didn’t recognize that I had hurt her. My attitude of superiority – my belief that I am more “clear” and “concise” than she is – had surfaced again. Before I even realized it, I’d caused a hurt in our relationship.

Steph: One attitude of superiority I have is that I judge I am more easygoing than Paul. I judge I am a better person than Paul because I do not get as annoyed about things as often as he does. The other day we were driving to the store and Paul made a comment about another person’s driving. I said,” I am sure he just didn’t see you, geez.” I could tell by the hurt look on Paul’s face and the silence all the way to the store that I had hurt him with my words. In my mind I was thinking that I would never get upset about something as silly as that and judgment came through in my tone as I believed I was a better person than Paul in that moment.

After 33 years of marriage, we were reminded that we’re not immune from falling into the trap of superior attitudes and the trouble they cause. Having these two recent experiences reminds us that we need to be more vigilant and aware of how they can unexpectedly creep in and cause havoc. Identifying and recognizing our superior attitudes is the first step in reducing these destructive behaviors. Acknowledging the hurt they cause and asking for forgiveness can lead to healing between us.

Questions for Reflection:

1. Do I have an attitude of superiority that has a negative impact on our marriage?

2. Where is this attitude coming from? (Hint: An attitude of superiority is an attempt to compensate for my own self-doubts/low self-esteem by judging others (even my spouse) are inferior to me. In an attempt to build myself up, I put the other person down to magnify my positive traits/qualities/abilities, to convince myself that I am valuable.)

Comments

Great Sex!

Photo by ijeab / Freepik Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!” So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, t

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again? Sex in marriage is more important than most people think. It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on...

10 Stay at Home Date Night Ideas

Date Night has become a household term in recent years and many couples strive to make this quality time together a priority in our increasingly fast paced lives. Throw some kids into the mix (or in our case a granddaughter), and it’s even harder to carve out quality couple time. Not to worry because finance guru Dave Ramsey has come to our rescue with not only a whole host of date night ideas, but most of them are budget friendly. We’d like to highlight 10 of Dave’s Stay at Home Date Night ideas!

Marriage Manners Matter

Photo Credit: Thought Catalog "Fine!" and "Whatever!" These 2 powerful words have the incredible potential to bring nearly any discussion to a screeching halt. They send the insensitive message of "I don't care. Discussion over. Period. Full stop!" As married couples, we have probably used these or similar words. And, if we have raised children we have probably employed time out, taken the car keys or other forms of discipline. Those 2 little words are not the focus of this blog.

Annual Marriage Tune-Up

A number of years ago, some friends of ours told us about a little trick they use to keep their marriage healthy, strong, and vibrant. Every year, they pledge to attend some kind of marriage enrichment event together. According to our friends, this does not mean weekend getaways to the beach, skiing, or going to a bed and breakfast together.

How to FIX Your Spouse

Photo by Alex Jumper Does your spouse do anything that absolutely drives you nuts? Would you like to know how to “fix” them once and for all? Read on.

Stale Crackers

Photo by Pixabay via Pexels It first struck us when we had to throw away all the crackers in the pantry because they were past their expiration date – it’s been a very, very long time since we’ve entertained a group of friends at home.

I Married YOU, Not Your Family

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels Growing up and getting married means that we leave our family of origin and start a new family. We’re not asked to forget about mom and dad, but we do need to remember that our spousal relationship is important to take care of because it becomes the solid ground where we plant our new roots.

8 Ideas to Help Settle Disagreements in Marriage

"I disagree!" "What?!?!" "You don't understand." When husbands and wives disagree, things can get tense. We dig in our heels, raise the volume, and let our emotions get the best of us. Arguments can turn into a competition to win (as if anyone every truly "wins" in an argument). Whenever we hear ourselves say, "You always....," or "You never...," we know we're marching down the wrong road. So how can we settle disagreements?

Come On, Baby, Light My Fire

Photo by Katie Salerno from Pexels One reason married couples end up together is because there is a physical attraction between them. Some call it chemistry. There are times when we can’t keep our hands off each other. We make any excuse to be close, to be intimate.

The Couples Post

Search This Blog