Skip to main content

Married Singles


How do you find the right balance of couple time versus individual time? Sports, times with friends/co-workers, Facebook/Pinterest, hunting....  There are a lot of fun activities that can keep us busy - and distracted.  None of these activities are bad or wrong in themselves.  But... do they draw us slowly away from our spouse?

Janine:  When we were first married, we spent as much time together as possible.  Gradually, my need to stay organized and caught up on my to-do list became more important than going to bed at the same time as Ken.  When I started to feel unappreciated, I decided to pour myself into my job. Although there wasn't anything wrong with these activities, I was choosing them for the wrong reasons. 

Ken:  After a few years of marriage and a couple of kids, time at home wasn't as fun as it used to be.  I joined a softball team.  I found time to go golfing with friends.  When I was at home, it was more fun to play with the kids than spend time with Janine.

Whether we're just enjoying fun activities, or trying to compensate for what's lacking in our relationship, finding fulfillment outside our marriage leads us back to the attitudes and behaviors we had as single people - living as a "Married Single".  It's not so much the activities as the underlying attitude/motivation we need to look at.

When we realized we were on a path of slowly growing apart, we talked things through.  We had forgotten what our priorities were.  We had a healthy fear of our kids someday moving away, only to find we'd become strangers in our own home, so we decided to be intentional about putting us first.  We started working together on planning our schedule, with plenty of quality time for 'us' (though it was still limited with 3 kids and 2 work schedules).  While it's been challenging to keep our relationship a priority, the payoff has been more than worth it.  Now, as empty-nesters, we're enjoying each other more than ever.  

The Married Singles trap is a trap we can all fall into, but are wise to avoid if we want our relationship to be the best it can be.


Comments

Other Popular Posts

3 Steps to End the Bickering

  Even the best marriages succumb to nit-picking over how to do the laundry or load the dishwasher.  We differ over asking or not asking for directions and bicker over who's to blame for being late or how we spend money.  While these quarrels may seem trivial, in reality, they matter and getting to a solution beats bickering any day.

April 19th

MICHELLE : For many people, distinct moments in their life stand out as frozen memories.  For example, my dad can remember the smells, the sounds and the clothes he was wearing on the day that John F. Kennedy was shot.  For me, that moment came on April 19, 1995.  I was a student teacher in Norman, Oklahoma.  As I used the restroom early that morning, I heard a loud boom and then tiles began coming loose one by one off the wall onto my lap.  Rushing out of the restroom and back to the classroom, my mentor teacher and I prepared for what we assumed was an earthquake. 

Ready for a Marriage Check-up?

If someone asks, “How’s your marriage?” how would you answer? It’s hard to give an objective answer. This week, we offer a short quiz you can take to evaluate how things are going in your marriage.   Before we can move toward the goal of a better marriage, we need to know where we are currently.  Doing this Marriage Check-up exercise helped us take stock of how we were doing. Here’s what we learned... 

KFC - It's What's for Mother's Day!

 JULIE: Dandelion bouquets.  Homemade breakfast in bed.  Handmade cards splashed with crayon hearts.  Kentucky Fried Chicken.  Wait, what? Let me explain…  Growing up, Mother’s Day was my mom’s annual day off, her well-deserved reward for all she did the other 364 days of the year.   It was also the one day of the year that she didn’t have to figure out what to cook for dinner for 7 hungry mouths. We always got a bucket of KFC, a rare and welcome treat.

5 Things Men Want

1. RESPECT: (KEN) : When a man is asked, 'Would you rather be respected or loved?' most would choose being respected.  In his book Love and Respect , Dr. E. Eggerichs explains this tendency.   (JANINE) : For years, I didn't appreciate how important it was to Ken that I treat him with respect.  I also didn't understand how hurtful it was when I dis respected him.  When I show Ken respect ( by affirming his decisions,  avoiding sarcasm or by not using a demeaning tone) it translates (for him) into feeling 'loved.'  Another way to say this is: when a man is dis respected, he receives the message he is NOT loved. 2.  SEX:  

7 Tips to Improve Your Sex Life

Is sex a priority in your marriage? Sexuality is an important ingredient for a healthy marriage. Here are 7 tips to help....

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again?  Sex in marriage is more important than most people think.  It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on... 

The 5 "P's" of Constructive Feedback

Photo Credit:  Ian Schneider (Reprise of post originally published on 09-16-2019) We once read an article on criticism in marriage.  The Author's bottom line was "don't do it."  Even asking: "Can I give you some feedback?" was cautioned against.  Sometimes suggestions given with the best intent with regard to work, chores, relationships with the kids can back fire.  Think back seat driving.  Experience has taught us 5 Key Points for when we just want to give each other a little suggestion.  These 5 simple points set the tone and enable us to let down our defenses and be supportive of each other when offering a little constructive feedback.   

What Can’t You Afford to Edit out of Your Story?

Michelle: When I was a teenager, I remember coming home after breaking up with a guy and my dad asking me how it went. I gave the inevitable teenage response, “I don’t want to talk about it.” My dad responded, “You don’t have to. But you do need to remember that there are some things in life that you can’t afford to edit out of your story. Is this one of them?”

10 Things Women Want

1)  Learn her “Love Language :"   And speak it often! (Learn more:  What Language Are You Speaking? ) Janine’s love language is “Acts of Service.” So, when I vacuum or do dishes or cook, it fills up her ‘love tank' - her mood brightens and there’s a whole different vibe between us.   I can tell I’ve found a direct path to her heart.