The Couples Post

Ken:  In 2016 I began working short term job assignments, which has given us the opportunity to live in 5 different states within a very short time.  If someone had told us 5 or 10 years ago that we'd be away from our home 95% of the year we wouldn't have believed it.  Since our kids are all grown and gone, we decided to give it a try - for at least a few months - and here we are 3 years later, still loving it. Most people probably won't have the opportunity to pick up and live this way, but we hope you might benefit from some of the lessons we've learned along the way.

Nick: Call it a “sixth sense,” but I can tell when my kids’ eyes are on Jen and me.  I can practically hear their eyes rolling whenever we touch each other.
When I come home and take a moment to find Jen and embrace her, and I meet one of our kids’ eyes, I’m treated to a facial expression that says “get a room.”  Though I should know better than to let it bother me, I have to admit, it’s still a challenge for me.  I didn’t grow up in a very touchy-feely home, so my knee-jerk reaction to getting the stare from one of our children is to want to jump back from Jen like we’re two kids dancing too close together in junior high when the grown-ups walk by.
Seriously though, what is the alternative?  Everywhere I go, I see couples with kids between them.  Sitting in movie theaters and on their couches at home, mom – kids – dad, sending the message:  kids first and spouse second.  If we let that become the norm, we’re asking for trouble.  We worry about our affection being too uncomfortable, but…

We recently read an article on constructive criticism in marriage.  The bottom line was "don't do it."  Even, "Can I give you some feedback?" was followed by "Beware!"  I was immediately critical of the article.  Those who know me know I don't roll over and play dead, especially when I am passionate about something.  So we came up with 5 Key Points to help avoid triggering a land mine in this sensitive area of relationship.

Paul: We just celebrated our 33rd wedding anniversary and we’ve never been happier. But it wasn’t always that way. Around year 7 of our marriage, we began to struggle. And we did what so many married couples do – ignored the warning signs telling ourselves things were not that bad. We swept issues between us under the rug and after another 5 years of sweeping there was no more room under the rug! We were just roommates co-existing in the same household each playing our respective roles.

Janine:  I used to read into everything Ken said - well almost everything.  If he made a simple comment, I often took it as a personal criticism, even though he didn't intend it to be.  We still talk about the day, years ago, when he said, "Gee, we're almost out of ketchup."