Criticism -- Constructive Or Not?

Photo Credit: Ian Schneider

We recently read an article on constructive criticism in marriage. The bottom line was "don't do it." Even, "Can I give you some feedback?" was followed by "Beware!" I was immediately critical of the article. Those who know me know I don't roll over and play dead, especially when I am passionate about something. So we came up with 5 Key Points to help avoid triggering a land mine in this sensitive area of relationship.

1. Pause and reflect on the intent: I (MF) like to be seen as efficient, organized, and attentive to time. If I criticize Tom for being late, implying he is lazy or irresponsible it will likely not go well. If my focus is on Tom: "Gee, I'm glad you're home! It must have been a long day," he is aware of my empathy and compassion from the very beginning. With this as my focus, I am less likely to come across as coercive or judgmental.

2. Ask Permission: If I have taken a moment to pause and reflect on whose needs might be met -- mine or Mary Frances, it would follow that I would seek permission. "Would you mind some feedback?" If I Ass-u-me Mary Frances wants feedback I could land my A _ _ in hot water.

3. Be Positive: I try to be encouraging, kind and compassionate. If I sense Mary Frances is stressed because she has taken on too much I might offer to help. "I know you have a lot on your plate, perhaps we can work on this together?" This is much more effective than "I guess you will never learn!" Instead of my focus on 'fixing' Mary Frances, I turn my intent and my heart to 'helping' her.

4. Focus on the Present Situation: Absolutes like: "You always" and "You never" are simply not true and certainly not pertinent to the present situation. Keeping my focus on Tom's fatigue when he arrives home late keeps me from blame and criticism and builds trust. It can set the table for conversation when we are both rested and at our best.

5. Keep it Practical: Focus on specific ways to improve, perhaps prioritizing, simplifying, asking for help. The key here is conversation and not a lecture. Ask questions. How can I help? Is there something I can do for you before I leave the office? Keep it within the realm of your relationship, accepting limitations and pulling to each of your strengths. Our focus is a joint effort at moving forward, helping each other discover new ways to grow.

Offering feedback is tricky. If we are not improving our skills in this area, we are likely to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Staying silent, the old: "walk away slowly and nobody gets hurt" is not good either. When we see an opportunity for our spouse to grow, gentle confrontation, not

Photo Credit: Azrul Aziz

ignoring them may be the most loving behavior. Skillfully navigating positive feedback as a mutual discussion elevates both of us and shows each of us that we care. It can build trust and confidence, and destroys competition.

Comments

Sex: Spontaneous or Planned . . . Let the Conversation Begin

Happy New Year to all! We are so grateful that 2020 is clearly in our rear-view mirror. What a relief. The start of a new year is traditionally set aside for reflection and resolutions. For us, 2021 was no different. We often make couple as well as individual resolutions. Stress and busyness, age and life in general had cooled our sexual relationship to a slow simmer. Our 2021 goal is : " Some is good. More is better! " Planned or spontaneous -- all is good! Let the conversation begin.

Tell Her She’s Pretty and Let Him Go Golfing

Kids say the funniest things. But sometimes, the things they say can teach us a thing or two. Our friends Greg and Cecilia have five children between 1 and 11 years old. They asked their four oldest kids to answer some questions about marriage. Here's what they had to say: Why do people get Married? Because they love each other. Because they kiss each other. How do you know Mom and Dad love each other?

Verbal Judo – Harmonizing Your Tone of Voice

Some time ago, we wrote about the importance of being aware of the Tone of Voice we use with our spouse. The gist of the post was that our Tone of Voice is the key culprit that begins most disagreements, hurts, and fights between spouses. We want to revisit this important topic and provide some additional helpful hints we’ve learned along the way.

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again? Sex in marriage is more important than most people think. It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on...

Looking Forward with Hope and Promise to 2021

2020 will soon be in our rear-view mirror . . . We look forward with hope and promise to 2021. W e at The Couples Post have shared in a practical way how we are so much stronger together as a couple. May that strength help us navigate 2021 and beyond.

Great Sex!

Photo by ijeab / Freepik Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!” So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, t

10 Things Women Want

1) Learn her “Love Language :" And speak it often! (Learn more: What Language Are You Speaking? ) Janine’s love language is “Acts of Service.” So, when I vacuum or do dishes or cook, it fills up her ‘love tank' - her mood brightens and there’s a whole different vibe between us. I can tell I’ve found a direct path to her heart.

The Elf on the Shelf

It’s that time of year – you know, when our kids are all on their best behavior and the most frequent threat you hear parents utter is “Santa is watching!” The latest craze is the Elf on the Shelf. The elf moves around your home, keeping its eye on your kids and causing a little mayhem along the way. Maybe your elf plays a game with a few of the stuffed animals in the house. Perhaps it gets into your cookie jar. Maybe it even spills flour in your kitchen. No matter what, the kids know it’s watching them. So, what if the elf was watching you and your spouse? Would he tell Santa to bring you a present or put a lump of coal in your stocking?

Marriage is a VERB

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb. It isn't something you get. It's something you do. It's the way you love your partner every day."

I Married YOU, Not Your Family

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels Growing up and getting married means that we leave our family of origin and start a new family. We’re not asked to forget about mom and dad, but we do need to remember that our spousal relationship is important to take care of because it becomes the solid ground where we plant our new roots.

The Couples Post

Search This Blog