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Sex: Spontaneous or Planned . . . Let the Conversation Begin


Happy New Year to all!  We are so grateful that 2020 is clearly in our rear-view mirror.  What a relief.  The start of a new year is traditionally set aside for reflection and resolutions.  For us, 2021 was no different. We often make couple as well as individual resolutions.  Stress and busyness, age and life in general had cooled our sexual relationship to a slow simmer.  Our 2021 goal is :  "Some is good.  More is better!"  Planned or spontaneous -- all is good! Let the conversation begin.

MF:    It has often been said that spontaneous anything is better -- think chocolate, surprise gifts and vacations.  They are more fun, exciting and more exhilarating.  Spontaneous sex is well . . . sexier.  Spontaneous implies being open to love making any time.  I get it, but what a guilt trip for someone who thrives on completion of a task and a day well planned.  For me, the notion that spontaneous sex is better sends the message that planned love making is not sexy enough.  Don't get me wrong, planning doesn't mean that it has to be penciled in on the calendar for it to happen.  Planning can be as simple as, "Hon, how about coffee and some romance before church?" or "Let's skip the movie and have a sex date."  Planning can be a romantic text when Tom is stuck at the office:  "Hey Baby, How about tonight . . .?"  

I am blessed.  I don't think Tom has ever turned down an invitation from me and planning the romance is half the fun.  Who doesn't look forward to a date night?  For me, planning can be sexy and it puts me in the mood.

TOM When we first married spontaneous and sex seemed to go together like apples and pie.  As we had children, more job responsibilities and our need to 'adult' increased, our sexual relationship became more planned and predictable.  "Early and often" was my motto.  But when I came home from work and MF had had 5 kids crawling over her all day, the last thing she wanted was to be fondled by me.  In fairness, many of the activities of our life needed to be more planned.  As we have aged our bodies respond better to at least some structure around our love making and ongoing conversation in this area.

We have learned over the years that it is important to talk about our expectations, (see Ken and Janine's post 07-19-2020), needs for privacy, priorities, our likes and dislikes with regard to love making, even the issue of spontaneous vs. planned sex.  Love making in a marriage can be far more intimate and bonding than hot and steamy movie genre sex.  Honest communication is the key to the intimacy and growth in your sexual relationship.  We never become experts at sex.  We can always grow in this area.  Click here for 25 Questions to start your conversation.


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