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What is Sexy?

We have been married for over 24 years and our attraction to each other is as strong as ever.  So, we asked ourselves what has been our secret to lasting passion in our marriage?  Sex appeal can be very subjective.  What is sexy to one is not to another.  How do we navigate these preferences within our marriage?  What can we do to make sure our marital sexual relationship is filled with blazing passion that lasts?  If you are on the edge of your seat waiting for the answer, you are in for a treat.

We have found that the one thing that has had the biggest impact on our sexual relationship is talking about it.  This may sound crazy to some, and we have definitely fumbled our way through different discussions about sex throughout our marriage.  Yet, it has proven to be valuable in creating great intimacy, understanding and renewed passion in our relationship. 

When Mel and I were first married, I thought my self-confidence and providing security for Mel was what she found attractive in me.  Through talking about our sexual relationship over the years with Mel, I learned that she finds me most attractive when I make myself vulnerable.  And I’ll never forget when I asked Mel what she finds to be sexy and she mentioned going out of my way to do little things for her.  At that time, she told me “If you want to turn me on, do the dishes more often.”  You can imagine how many dishes I have washed since then!

Mark and I have discovered that sharing how we feel about different aspects of our sexual relationship is the most effective way to discuss it.  Mark shared that lovemaking opens him   wide emotionally, and we are rewarded with tenderness, openness, and a warm, deep connection.  Mark shares freely what is in his heart, for example, that he finds me even sexier when I initiate lovemaking.  Even greater are the rewards at these times! 

We encourage you to discuss your likes, your dislikes and your deepest desires.  Ask your spouse what he or she thinks is sexy.  Many days we ask each other “What do you need from me today?”  Our sexual relations involve our whole selves – how we look at each other, how we speak, being attentive to each other, and how we touch one another.  Our passion for each other then carries over into our lovemaking.  Show your spouse how much you love them throughout the day and into the night!


  1. You’re very lucky to have a husband who is willing to have a healthy conversation about sex. How can I even begin to broach this topic with my husband?

    1. As you can imagine, there is a lot to our story and we could share quite a bit on this topic. To get the conversation started, we have come up with three things that have helped to make this subject approachable for us.
      First, we find sharing our feelings softens our hearts toward each other and prepares us to tackle a taboo topic. We were introduced to this on a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend and found this to be a very useful tool. So, we highly recommend attending one of these weekend experiences.
      Second, we find asking questions in a way that brings us together is very helpful. Sometimes we preface a question to let the other know I am getting ready to tread on risky ground. An example of this might be: “I am nervous even bringing this up, but I think it’s really important. I want our sexual relationship to be even better. Are you open to talking about this with me?”
      Third, we listen intently to each other at these times. We seek to understand one another, not to convince or bring the other over to our point of view. We hear each other out.
      Hope this helps!


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