Skip to main content

What is Sexy?


We have been married for over 24 years and our attraction to each other is as strong as ever.  So, we asked ourselves what has been our secret to lasting passion in our marriage?  Sex appeal can be very subjective.  What is sexy to one is not to another.  How do we navigate these preferences within our marriage?  What can we do to make sure our marital sexual relationship is filled with blazing passion that lasts?  If you are on the edge of your seat waiting for the answer, you are in for a treat.

We have found that the one thing that has had the biggest impact on our sexual relationship is talking about it.  This may sound crazy to some, and we have definitely fumbled our way through different discussions about sex throughout our marriage.  Yet, it has proven to be valuable in creating great intimacy, understanding and renewed passion in our relationship. 

When Mel and I were first married, I thought my self-confidence and providing security for Mel was what she found attractive in me.  Through talking about our sexual relationship over the years with Mel, I learned that she finds me most attractive when I make myself vulnerable.  And I’ll never forget when I asked Mel what she finds to be sexy and she mentioned going out of my way to do little things for her.  At that time, she told me “If you want to turn me on, do the dishes more often.”  You can imagine how many dishes I have washed since then!

Mark and I have discovered that sharing how we feel about different aspects of our sexual relationship is the most effective way to discuss it.  Mark shared that lovemaking opens him   wide emotionally, and we are rewarded with tenderness, openness, and a warm, deep connection.  Mark shares freely what is in his heart, for example, that he finds me even sexier when I initiate lovemaking.  Even greater are the rewards at these times! 

We encourage you to discuss your likes, your dislikes and your deepest desires.  Ask your spouse what he or she thinks is sexy.  Many days we ask each other “What do you need from me today?”  Our sexual relations involve our whole selves – how we look at each other, how we speak, being attentive to each other, and how we touch one another.  Our passion for each other then carries over into our lovemaking.  Show your spouse how much you love them throughout the day and into the night!

Comments

  1. You’re very lucky to have a husband who is willing to have a healthy conversation about sex. How can I even begin to broach this topic with my husband?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you can imagine, there is a lot to our story and we could share quite a bit on this topic. To get the conversation started, we have come up with three things that have helped to make this subject approachable for us.
      First, we find sharing our feelings softens our hearts toward each other and prepares us to tackle a taboo topic. We were introduced to this on a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend and found this to be a very useful tool. So, we highly recommend attending one of these weekend experiences.
      Second, we find asking questions in a way that brings us together is very helpful. Sometimes we preface a question to let the other know I am getting ready to tread on risky ground. An example of this might be: “I am nervous even bringing this up, but I think it’s really important. I want our sexual relationship to be even better. Are you open to talking about this with me?”
      Third, we listen intently to each other at these times. We seek to understand one another, not to convince or bring the other over to our point of view. We hear each other out.
      Hope this helps!

      Delete

Post a Comment

Other Popular Posts

5 Things Men Want

1. RESPECT: (KEN) : When a man is asked, 'Would you rather be respected or loved?' most would choose being respected.  In his book Love and Respect , Dr. E. Eggerichs explains this tendency.   (JANINE) : For years, I didn't appreciate how important it was to Ken that I treat him with respect.  I also didn't understand how hurtful it was when I dis respected him.  When I show Ken respect ( by affirming his decisions,  avoiding sarcasm or by not using a demeaning tone) it translates (for him) into feeling 'loved.'  Another way to say this is: when a man is dis respected, he receives the message he is NOT loved. 2.  SEX:  

What Can’t You Afford to Edit out of Your Story?

Michelle: When I was a teenager, I remember coming home after breaking up with a guy and my dad asking me how it went. I gave the inevitable teenage response, “I don’t want to talk about it.” My dad responded, “You don’t have to. But you do need to remember that there are some things in life that you can’t afford to edit out of your story. Is this one of them?”

The 5 "P's" of Constructive Feedback

Photo Credit:  Ian Schneider (Reprise of post originally published on 09-16-2019) We once read an article on criticism in marriage.  The Author's bottom line was "don't do it."  Even asking: "Can I give you some feedback?" was cautioned against.  Sometimes suggestions given with the best intent with regard to work, chores, relationships with the kids can back fire.  Think back seat driving.  Experience has taught us 5 Key Points for when we just want to give each other a little suggestion.  These 5 simple points set the tone and enable us to let down our defenses and be supportive of each other when offering a little constructive feedback.   

Remember When...

It's easy to get lost in our day-to-day. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase of marriage and real life settles in, we develop routines and patterns of behavior. We become consumed by the here and now, and sometimes we can lose sight of the excitement and passion that brought us together and inspired us to get married in the first place.

The Healing Power of Touch

  Our last blog explored a super power we all have within us – the Super Power of Affirmation.    But did you know that you possess another Super Power?  It’s the Healing Power of Touch.  Holy Hole in a Doughnut, Batman!  Bet you didn’t know you had all that in you!

Easter Greetings!

 Dear Readers, As Spring unfolds and we continue to recover from this pandemic, there could not be a more wonderful time to nurture relationship growth. Wishing you a Happy Easter and a Springtime of Promise. From all of us at TheCouplesPost

When All Else Fails . . . Eat Ice Cream

For many of us the COVID honeymoon is long over.  Isolation, loss of routines, access to the gym, financial worries, working from home and changing school schedules has had us stretched too thin too long.  We'd rather eat an entire loaf of bread than bake one and if we hear how much someone enjoys the extra time with their kids we'll scream!  This is COVID Stress.  We've all experienced it.

10 Things Women Want

1)  Learn her “Love Language :"   And speak it often! (Learn more:  What Language Are You Speaking? ) Janine’s love language is “Acts of Service.” So, when I vacuum or do dishes or cook, it fills up her ‘love tank' - her mood brightens and there’s a whole different vibe between us.   I can tell I’ve found a direct path to her heart.  

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again?  Sex in marriage is more important than most people think.  It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on... 

Getting More of What You Want in Your Marriage

Recently, we attended a work-shop on how to incorporate more positivity into our lives. We were reminded how easily the challenges of life can dominate our thinking. This can be especially true where our couple relationship is concerned. Have you ever thought, “He never gives me any affection” or “She always nags me”?