Skip to main content

What is Sexy?

We have been married for over 24 years and our attraction to each other is as strong as ever.  So, we asked ourselves what has been our secret to lasting passion in our marriage?  Sex appeal can be very subjective.  What is sexy to one is not to another.  How do we navigate these preferences within our marriage?  What can we do to make sure our marital sexual relationship is filled with blazing passion that lasts?  If you are on the edge of your seat waiting for the answer, you are in for a treat.

We have found that the one thing that has had the biggest impact on our sexual relationship is talking about it.  This may sound crazy to some, and we have definitely fumbled our way through different discussions about sex throughout our marriage.  Yet, it has proven to be valuable in creating great intimacy, understanding and renewed passion in our relationship. 

When Mel and I were first married, I thought my self-confidence and providing security for Mel was what she found attractive in me.  Through talking about our sexual relationship over the years with Mel, I learned that she finds me most attractive when I make myself vulnerable.  And I’ll never forget when I asked Mel what she finds to be sexy and she mentioned going out of my way to do little things for her.  At that time, she told me “If you want to turn me on, do the dishes more often.”  You can imagine how many dishes I have washed since then!

Mark and I have discovered that sharing how we feel about different aspects of our sexual relationship is the most effective way to discuss it.  Mark shared that lovemaking opens him   wide emotionally, and we are rewarded with tenderness, openness, and a warm, deep connection.  Mark shares freely what is in his heart, for example, that he finds me even sexier when I initiate lovemaking.  Even greater are the rewards at these times! 

We encourage you to discuss your likes, your dislikes and your deepest desires.  Ask your spouse what he or she thinks is sexy.  Many days we ask each other “What do you need from me today?”  Our sexual relations involve our whole selves – how we look at each other, how we speak, being attentive to each other, and how we touch one another.  Our passion for each other then carries over into our lovemaking.  Show your spouse how much you love them throughout the day and into the night!


  1. You’re very lucky to have a husband who is willing to have a healthy conversation about sex. How can I even begin to broach this topic with my husband?

    1. As you can imagine, there is a lot to our story and we could share quite a bit on this topic. To get the conversation started, we have come up with three things that have helped to make this subject approachable for us.
      First, we find sharing our feelings softens our hearts toward each other and prepares us to tackle a taboo topic. We were introduced to this on a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend and found this to be a very useful tool. So, we highly recommend attending one of these weekend experiences.
      Second, we find asking questions in a way that brings us together is very helpful. Sometimes we preface a question to let the other know I am getting ready to tread on risky ground. An example of this might be: “I am nervous even bringing this up, but I think it’s really important. I want our sexual relationship to be even better. Are you open to talking about this with me?”
      Third, we listen intently to each other at these times. We seek to understand one another, not to convince or bring the other over to our point of view. We hear each other out.
      Hope this helps!


Post a Comment

Other Popular Posts

Sex: Spontaneous or Planned . . . Let the Conversation Begin

  Happy New Year to all!  We are so grateful that 2020 is clearly in our rear-view mirror.  What a relief.  The start of a new year is traditionally set aside for reflection and resolutions.  For us, 2021 was no different. We often make couple as well as individual resolutions.  Stress and busyness, age and life in general had cooled our sexual relationship to a slow simmer.  Our 2021 goal is :  " Some is good.  More is better! "  Planned or spontaneous -- all is good! Let the conversation begin.

Tell Her She’s Pretty and Let Him Go Golfing

     Kids say the funniest things. But sometimes, the things they say can teach us a thing or two. Our friends Greg and Cecilia have five children between 1 and 11 years old. They asked their four oldest kids to answer some questions about marriage. Here's what they had to say: Why do people get Married? Because they love each other.  Because they kiss each other. How do you know Mom and Dad love each other?

Verbal Judo – Harmonizing Your Tone of Voice

Some time ago, we wrote about the importance of being aware of the Tone of Voice we use with our spouse. The gist of the post was that our Tone of Voice is the key culprit that begins most disagreements, hurts, and fights between spouses. We want to revisit this important topic and provide some additional helpful hints we’ve learned along the way.

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again?  Sex in marriage is more important than most people think.  It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on... 

Looking Forward with Hope and Promise to 2021

2020 will soon be in our rear-view mirror . . .  We look forward with hope and promise to 2021.     W e at The Couples Post   have shared in a practical way how we are so much stronger together as a couple.  May that strength help us navigate 2021 and beyond. 

Great Sex!

Photo by  ijeab  /  Freepik     Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!”     So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, t

10 Things Women Want

1)  Learn her “Love Language :"   And speak it often! (Learn more:  What Language Are You Speaking? ) Janine’s love language is “Acts of Service.” So, when I vacuum or do dishes or cook, it fills up her ‘love tank' - her mood brightens and there’s a whole different vibe between us.   I can tell I’ve found a direct path to her heart.  

The Elf on the Shelf

It’s that time of year – you know, when our kids are all on their best behavior and the most frequent threat you hear parents utter is “Santa is watching!” The latest craze is the Elf on the Shelf. The elf moves around your home, keeping its eye on your kids and causing a little mayhem along the way. Maybe your elf plays a game with a few of the stuffed animals in the house. Perhaps it gets into your cookie jar. Maybe it even spills flour in your kitchen. No matter what, the kids know it’s watching them. So, what if the elf was watching you and your spouse? Would he tell Santa to bring you a present or put a lump of coal in your stocking?

Marriage is a VERB

Marriage is not a noun; it's a verb.  It isn't something you get.  It's something you do.  It's the way you love your partner every day."

I Married YOU, Not Your Family

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels Growing up and getting married means that we leave our family of origin and start a new family.  We’re not asked to forget about mom and dad, but we do need to remember that our spousal relationship is important to take care of because it becomes the solid ground where we plant our new roots.