Skip to main content

We Come First

 Marriage is hard, I don't care who you are. That's why we write this blog, and that's probably why you're reading it. The fail rate on marriages is way too high. How did things get so screwed up? How do we build a better "us", rather than letting our marriage take the slow slide into a hole we can't climb out of? We propose this: we have to put "us" (our marriage relationship) first.

   The biggest obstacle to keeping our marriage a priority was our wonderful kids. It wasn't their fault. Our obsession with them and every detail of their lives left little time for us. There were times during their middle and high school years when the calendar was so full that we didn't know if we were coming or going. On our WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we heard the idea of "keeping our relationship a priority" by using the tool they called "Re-evaluation". (Click here to find some helpful info on how to Re-evaluate together as a couple.)

   It's become a foreign concept... that we, as a married couple, should come first. But we should. "We" should come before the kids, and their sports, and their music activities, and sleepovers, and.... "We" should come first before guys' and girls' nights out. "We" should come first before finishing the last things on my to-do list.

   We had to stop and re-evaluate what was going on in our lives. We had to find a balance. Our kids didn't need to be involved in every extra-curricular activity available. They needed - we ALL needed - to have some down time: time to be home together as a family AND time for OUR marriage relationship.

   It was easier said than done. We limited our kids to one sport at a time. They were a little mad at first, but they had the security of knowing their parents loved each other enough to fight against the peer pressure of doing what so many other parents were doing.

   Now, when young couples ask us for advice, we say... Slow down. Simplify. Stop running 100 mph trying to please everyone. The two of you come first.


Popular posts from this blog

Great Sex!

Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!”
    So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, to be as intimate as possible. Our freq…

Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Yes, this is a strange twist.  We recently heard about James J Sexton's book, "If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late."  James is a divorce attorney from New York, who started noticing some patterns after 20 years of working with couples whose marriages were ending.

Marriage Manners Matter

"Fine!" and "Whatever!" These 2 powerful words have the incredible potential to bring nearly any discussion to a screeching halt.  They send the insensitive message of "I don't care. Discussion over.  Period. Full stop!"   As married couples, we have probably used these or similar words.  And, if we have raised children we have probably employed time out, taken the car keys or other forms of discipline.

Those 2 little words are not  the focus of this blog.

Sex on Days Ending in 'Y'

Lovemaking is one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage.  Yet there are so many impediments and inhibitions to making love once those wonderful Honeymoon years are over.

Tone of Voice

Something that we’ve become increasingly aware of in our marriage is how our tone of voice so significantly affects our communication – for better or for worse! It is remarkable how something so seemingly small can make such a huge impact on whether our communication is healthy, productive, and enriching or debilitating, disheartening, and provocative. Believe it or not, tone of voice is huge. WE would go as far as to say tone of voice is at the root of most of the small hurts we experience in our relationship.
Perhaps it would be easier to make our case using an example. Recently, we were trying to get out of the house to go to church and be on time. I (Stephanie) have to admit I am typically the one who is running behind trying to get one last thing put away or rushing because I did not plan my time well. Paul will often playfully turn the hall light on and off letting me know he is by the door ready and waiting. Usually I will laugh it off and tell him I am coming. This particular…