Unmet Needs

We’ve been extra busy lately - on weekends and weekdays alike. With everything that we committed to, there just hasn’t been much time for fun or relaxation.

Last night we finally discussed our unmet need for fun. We both were dragging, and being productive was taking more effort than usual. We felt a little irritable, and misunderstandings and short responses were more frequent. There were moments of sudden tension, and we didn’t receive each other’s sense of humor as well as usual. Our unmet need for fun was interfering with our relationship!

I (Mel) remember a time when my need for belonging went unmet. Ten years ago, we relocated from Cincinnati to Detroit. We knew absolutely no one in our new town! We put on a brave face, but ultimately, we were suffering separately and therefore felt even more isolated. My unmet need to belong had me feeling broken-hearted and lonely, and I lay around most days and cried. I stopped cooking family dinners and we ate on the couch. I didn’t feel very romantic. I also wasn’t supporting Mark in his new job. We were very disconnected – more like roommates than spouses and lovers. Finally, I started sharing my feelings with Mark, and we started to reach out to each other to reconnect. Together we struck up conversations with parents at our kids’ soccer games, and joined organizations together. What a world of difference it made!

I (Mark) have a strong need for competence. I want so badly to accomplish things and earn respect. I have a huge fear of failure that drives me to succeed at all costs. Recently, I had a long list of things to do and some of them involved Mel. She really likes to take her time and to enjoy the distraction of our pets. The thought of falling behind and not getting things done stresses me out. I started to push Mel to work faster and she became frustrated. Eventually, she asked me what was going on and I was able to share how stressed I was feeling. We sat down and made a plan together to get things done in a time frame that worked for both of us.

Pondering our needs and which ones are going unmet has been really helpful to us. Take a moment to consider your needs. Click here to read more about the four basic psychological needs: Competence, Love & Belonging, Freedom, and Fun.

Comments

Great Sex!

Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!”
So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, to be as intimate as possible. Our freq…

Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Yes, this is a strange twist. We recently heard about James J Sexton's book, "If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late." James is a divorce attorney from New York, who started noticing some patterns after 20 years of working with couples whose marriages were ending.

Marriage Manners Matter

"Fine!" and "Whatever!" These 2 powerful words have the incredible potential to bring nearly any discussion to a screeching halt. They send the insensitive message of "I don't care. Discussion over. Period. Full stop!" As married couples, we have probably used these or similar words. And, if we have raised children we have probably employed time out, taken the car keys or other forms of discipline.

Those 2 little words are not the focus of this blog.

Sex on Days Ending in 'Y'

Lovemaking is one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage. Yet there are so many impediments and inhibitions to making love once those wonderful Honeymoon years are over.

Tone of Voice

Something that we’ve become increasingly aware of in our marriage is how our tone of voice so significantly affects our communication – for better or for worse! It is remarkable how something so seemingly small can make such a huge impact on whether our communication is healthy, productive, and enriching or debilitating, disheartening, and provocative. Believe it or not, tone of voice is huge. WE would go as far as to say tone of voice is at the root of most of the small hurts we experience in our relationship.
Perhaps it would be easier to make our case using an example. Recently, we were trying to get out of the house to go to church and be on time. I (Stephanie) have to admit I am typically the one who is running behind trying to get one last thing put away or rushing because I did not plan my time well. Paul will often playfully turn the hall light on and off letting me know he is by the door ready and waiting. Usually I will laugh it off and tell him I am coming. This particular…

The Couples Post

Search This Blog