
Last night we finally discussed our unmet need for fun. We both were dragging, and being productive was
taking more effort than usual. We felt a
little irritable, and misunderstandings and short responses were more
frequent. There were moments of sudden
tension, and we didn’t receive each other’s sense of humor as well as usual. Our unmet need for fun was interfering with
our relationship!
I
(Mel) remember a time when my need for belonging went unmet. Ten years ago, we relocated from Cincinnati
to Detroit. We knew absolutely no one in
our new town! We put on a brave face, but
ultimately, we were suffering separately and therefore felt even more
isolated. My unmet need to belong had me
feeling broken-hearted and lonely, and I lay around most days and cried. I stopped cooking family dinners and we ate
on the couch. I didn’t feel very
romantic. I also wasn’t supporting Mark
in his new job. We were very
disconnected – more like roommates than spouses and lovers. Finally, I started sharing my feelings with
Mark, and we started to reach out to each other to reconnect. Together we struck up conversations with parents
at our kids’ soccer games, and joined organizations together. What a world of difference it made!
I (Mark) have a strong need for competence. I want so badly to accomplish things and earn
respect. I have a huge fear of failure
that drives me to succeed at all costs. Recently,
I had a long list of things to do and some of them involved Mel. She really likes to take her time and to
enjoy the distraction of our pets. The
thought of falling behind and not getting things done stresses me out. I started to push Mel to work faster and she
became frustrated. Eventually, she asked
me what was going on and I was able to share how stressed I was feeling. We sat down and made a plan together to get
things done in a time frame that worked for both of us.
Pondering our needs and which ones are
going unmet has been really helpful to us.
Take a moment to consider your needs.
Click here to read more about the four basic psychological needs:
Competence, Love & Belonging, Freedom, and Fun.
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