Paul: Until recently, I figured it was fine for me to say whatever was on my mind as that meant I was being truthful and authentic with Stephanie. Then it dawned on me
It now occurs to me that I don’t need to voice my less than
enthusiastic opinion about a meal Stephanie has prepared or an outfit she has
chosen. NEITHER of these things really matter and my comments might create
distance between us and possibly hurt her. There are other situations, however,
that I believe I should mention in order to be open and honest with her like:
talking about the way she handled a situation with our children or how long one
of our in-laws is coming to visit. These things do create strong feelings and
can affect the quality of our relationship. We need to talk about them.
Steph: I agree with Paul wholeheartedly. The words we use
can either be life-giving to our relationship or life-draining. Just the other day, Paul was filling the ice
cube tray from the water dispenser in the fridge. When I saw this I said, “What
in the world?” as the water dribbled over the sides. What I was really saying
was I would have done it differently - better actually. Paul looked at me and
said, “I’ve got it.” I could tell from his tone that he did not appreciate my
comment. My words caused a coolness to develop in our relationship. I realized
later that even a few words spoken when I have an “I know best attitude” can be
hurtful to Paul. I must be more mindful of the words I choose to say or simply choose
not to say anything at all. Some dripping water
certainly didn’t warrant a comment.
When I choose words of affirmation when Paul has handled
a situation well or I let him know how much I value his perspective I can see
by the expression on his face and in the softer tone of his voice that he is
pleased. This lightens the mood in our home. Words that
chastise, reproach, correct, criticize, or condescend do not belong in our
relationship. And there is no place for sarcastic words between us – ever. Here
a few examples of the types of words and phrases we strive to eliminate from
our relationship vocabulary, “You always/never…”, “I wish you wouldn’t…”,
“That’s not right,” “What were you thinking?” “Why would you say/do that?”
Paul: As for the words we DO choose, we look for ways to
build each other up. These are simple and easy phrases like, “I appreciate…”
“Thank you for…” “You’re so good at…” “I admire…” These are things we can say
to each other on a DAILY basis. And when we DO need to discuss a point of
contention or disagreement between us, we are intentional and conscious of the
words we choose to broach the subject: “When you have a moment, I would like to
discuss x with you.” “I think we have a different point of view on x and I
would like the opportunity to understand your point of view more clearly.”
“Perhaps this is a topic we agree needs further discussion between us.”
Being intentional about not using hurtful words and equally
as intentional about using affirming words doesn’t mean we don’t express
ourselves when there is an issue we need to discuss. Rather, it means we are intentional
about the words we choose to broach the subject. It means the difference
between draining the life out of our marriage or breathing life into it.
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