Skip to main content

Words - The Seeds of Life in Marriage

Image
By


Paul: Until recently, I figured it was fine for me to say whatever was on my mind as that meant I was being truthful and authentic with Stephanie. Then it dawned on me
that some of those words are hurtful and have the potential to wound her.

It now occurs to me that I don’t need to voice my less than enthusiastic opinion about a meal Stephanie has prepared or an outfit she has chosen. NEITHER of these things really matter and my comments might create distance between us and possibly hurt her. There are other situations, however, that I believe I should mention in order to be open and honest with her like: talking about the way she handled a situation with our children or how long one of our in-laws is coming to visit. These things do create strong feelings and can affect the quality of our relationship. We need to talk about them.

Steph: I agree with Paul wholeheartedly. The words we use can either be life-giving to our relationship or life-draining.  Just the other day, Paul was filling the ice cube tray from the water dispenser in the fridge. When I saw this I said, “What in the world?” as the water dribbled over the sides. What I was really saying was I would have done it differently - better actually. Paul looked at me and said, “I’ve got it.” I could tell from his tone that he did not appreciate my comment. My words caused a coolness to develop in our relationship. I realized later that even a few words spoken when I have an “I know best attitude” can be hurtful to Paul. I must be more mindful of the words I choose to say or simply choose not to say anything at all. Some dripping water certainly didn’t warrant a comment. 

When I choose words of affirmation when Paul has handled a situation well or I let him know how much I value his perspective I can see by the expression on his face and in the softer tone of his voice that he is pleased. This lightens the mood in our home. Words that chastise, reproach, correct, criticize, or condescend do not belong in our relationship. And there is no place for sarcastic words between us – ever. Here a few examples of the types of words and phrases we strive to eliminate from our relationship vocabulary, “You always/never…”, “I wish you wouldn’t…”, “That’s not right,” “What were you thinking?” “Why would you say/do that?”

Paul: As for the words we DO choose, we look for ways to build each other up. These are simple and easy phrases like, “I appreciate…” “Thank you for…” “You’re so good at…” “I admire…” These are things we can say to each other on a DAILY basis. And when we DO need to discuss a point of contention or disagreement between us, we are intentional and conscious of the words we choose to broach the subject: “When you have a moment, I would like to discuss x with you.” “I think we have a different point of view on x and I would like the opportunity to understand your point of view more clearly.” “Perhaps this is a topic we agree needs further discussion between us.” 

Being intentional about not using hurtful words and equally as intentional about using affirming words doesn’t mean we don’t express ourselves when there is an issue we need to discuss. Rather, it means we are intentional about the words we choose to broach the subject. It means the difference between draining the life out of our marriage or breathing life into it.

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Great Sex!

By
Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!”
    So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, to be as intimate as possible. Our freq…
1 comment
Read more

Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

By
Yes, this is a strange twist.  We recently heard about James J Sexton's book, "If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late."  James is a divorce attorney from New York, who started noticing some patterns after 20 years of working with couples whose marriages were ending.
Post a Comment
Read more

Marriage Manners Matter

By
"Fine!" and "Whatever!" These 2 powerful words have the incredible potential to bring nearly any discussion to a screeching halt.  They send the insensitive message of "I don't care. Discussion over.  Period. Full stop!"   As married couples, we have probably used these or similar words.  And, if we have raised children we have probably employed time out, taken the car keys or other forms of discipline.

Those 2 little words are not  the focus of this blog.
5 comments
Read more

Tone of Voice

By
Something that we’ve become increasingly aware of in our marriage is how our tone of voice so significantly affects our communication – for better or for worse! It is remarkable how something so seemingly small can make such a huge impact on whether our communication is healthy, productive, and enriching or debilitating, disheartening, and provocative. Believe it or not, tone of voice is huge. WE would go as far as to say tone of voice is at the root of most of the small hurts we experience in our relationship.
Perhaps it would be easier to make our case using an example. Recently, we were trying to get out of the house to go to church and be on time. I (Stephanie) have to admit I am typically the one who is running behind trying to get one last thing put away or rushing because I did not plan my time well. Paul will often playfully turn the hall light on and off letting me know he is by the door ready and waiting. Usually I will laugh it off and tell him I am coming. This particular…
Post a Comment
Read more

Sex on Days Ending in 'Y'

By
Lovemaking is one of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage.  Yet there are so many impediments and inhibitions to making love once those wonderful Honeymoon years are over.
Post a Comment
Read more