Criticism -- Constructive Or Not?

Photo Credit: Ian Schneider

We recently read an article on constructive criticism in marriage. The bottom line was "don't do it." Even, "Can I give you some feedback?" was followed by "Beware!" I was immediately critical of the article. Those who know me know I don't roll over and play dead, especially when I am passionate about something. So we came up with 5 Key Points to help avoid triggering a land mine in this sensitive area of relationship.

1. Pause and reflect on the intent: I (MF) like to be seen as efficient, organized, and attentive to time. If I criticize Tom for being late, implying he is lazy or irresponsible it will likely not go well. If my focus is on Tom: "Gee, I'm glad you're home! It must have been a long day," he is aware of my empathy and compassion from the very beginning. With this as my focus, I am less likely to come across as coercive or judgmental.

2. Ask Permission: If I have taken a moment to pause and reflect on whose needs might be met -- mine or Mary Frances, it would follow that I would seek permission. "Would you mind some feedback?" If I Ass-u-me Mary Frances wants feedback I could land my A _ _ in hot water.

3. Be Positive: I try to be encouraging, kind and compassionate. If I sense Mary Frances is stressed because she has taken on too much I might offer to help. "I know you have a lot on your plate, perhaps we can work on this together?" This is much more effective than "I guess you will never learn!" Instead of my focus on 'fixing' Mary Frances, I turn my intent and my heart to 'helping' her.

4. Focus on the Present Situation: Absolutes like: "You always" and "You never" are simply not true and certainly not pertinent to the present situation. Keeping my focus on Tom's fatigue when he arrives home late keeps me from blame and criticism and builds trust. It can set the table for conversation when we are both rested and at our best.

5. Keep it Practical: Focus on specific ways to improve, perhaps prioritizing, simplifying, asking for help. The key here is conversation and not a lecture. Ask questions. How can I help? Is there something I can do for you before I leave the office? Keep it within the realm of your relationship, accepting limitations and pulling to each of your strengths. Our focus is a joint effort at moving forward, helping each other discover new ways to grow.

Offering feedback is tricky. If we are not improving our skills in this area, we are likely to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Staying silent, the old: "walk away slowly and nobody gets hurt" is not good either. When we see an opportunity for our spouse to grow, gentle confrontation, not

Photo Credit: Azrul Aziz

ignoring them may be the most loving behavior. Skillfully navigating positive feedback as a mutual discussion elevates both of us and shows each of us that we care. It can build trust and confidence, and destroys competition.

Comments

Great Sex!

Sex between a married couple is not only good, it’s very good. If you read the research and surveys, you will find that married couples experience better and more frequent sex than non-married couples. Married couples are healthier, happier, and live longer. When we went on a WorldWide Marriage Encounter weekend, we were more than a little surprised when a priest told us that our love-making is good, is important for us, and is important to the world. He encouraged us to “make mad passionate love!”
So, why has married sex become something else? Society and media portray sex for married couples as dull and lifeless, a tool used to manipulate, something to joke about, and something that - beyond the newlywed phase- gradually drifts away. We’ve been sold this bill of goods, and we often buy into it! What we really crave in our sex life is to give and receive something powerful- to experience the depths of our passion and love for each other, to be as intimate as possible. Our freq…

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again? Sex in marriage is more important than most people think. It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on...

Intentional Marriage -- 50 Ways

"Intentional" is a popular buzzword these days. We are intentional in the workplace, in the way we handle our finances, our fitness routine, and the way we raise and discipline our children. The list goes on and on and for good reason. Intentional means to do something deliberately, consciously or with purpose. It means it didn't happen on a whim; someone planned for it to happen and persisted until it happened.

10 Stay at Home Date Night Ideas

Date Night has become a household term in recent years and many couples strive to make this quality time together a priority in our increasingly fast paced lives. Throw some kids into the mix (or in our case a granddaughter), and it’s even harder to carve out quality couple time. Not to worry because finance guru Dave Ramsey has come to our rescue with not only a whole host of date night ideas, but most of them are budget friendly. We’d like to highlight 10 of Dave’s Stay at Home Date Night ideas!

Annual Marriage Tune-Up

A number of years ago, some friends of ours told us about a little trick they use to keep their marriage healthy, strong, and vibrant. Every year, they pledge to attend some kind of marriage enrichment event together. According to our friends, this does not mean weekend getaways to the beach, skiing, or going to a bed and breakfast together.

How to FIX Your Spouse

Does your spouse do anything that absolutely drives you nuts? Would you like to know how to “fix” them once and for all? Read on.

Advice From a Divorce Lawyer

Yes, this is a strange twist. We recently heard about James J Sexton's book, "If You're in My Office, It's Already Too Late." James is a divorce attorney from New York, who started noticing some patterns after 20 years of working with couples whose marriages were ending.

Marriage Manners Matter

"Fine!" and "Whatever!" These 2 powerful words have the incredible potential to bring nearly any discussion to a screeching halt. They send the insensitive message of "I don't care. Discussion over. Period. Full stop!" As married couples, we have probably used these or similar words. And, if we have raised children we have probably employed time out, taken the car keys or other forms of discipline.

Those 2 little words are not the focus of this blog.

I Married YOU, Not Your Family

Growing up and getting married means that we leave our family of origin and start a new family. We’re not asked to forget about mom and dad, but we do need to remember that our spousal relationship is important to take care of because it becomes the solid ground where we plant our new roots.

Come On, Baby, Light My Fire

One reason married couples end up together is because there is a physical attraction between them. Some call it chemistry. There are times when we can’t keep our hands off each other. We make any excuse to be close, to be intimate.

The Couples Post

Search This Blog