Paul: We just celebrated our 33rd wedding
anniversary and we’ve never been happier. But it wasn’t always that way. Around
year 7 of our marriage, we began to struggle. And we did what so many married
couples do – ignored the warning
signs telling ourselves things were not that bad. We swept issues between us
under the rug and after another 5 years of sweeping there was no more room
under the rug! We were just roommates co-existing in the same household each
playing our respective roles.
Steph: Somehow, we had
lost the intimacy between us and couldn’t see a way out of our deep despair and
disillusionment. We still cared deeply for each other, but our situation seemed
hopeless. We mutually decided at year 12 to separate. We found out later that less
than 30% of couples who separate reconcile and stay married. [1] Most get divorced.
We’d like to share with you how we managed to climb out of the immense hole we had dug for ourselves. It started with a commitment to give our best effort to make our marriage work for us and for our children.
Counseling
Paul: First, we found
a marriage and family therapist (MFT). I will admit that I placed no hope or
faith in this step. I decided to go for only one reason – so that I could look
my parents and our children in the eye and tell them I “tried.” Fortunately, we
found the right counselor. We had no idea
back then that 60% of MFT’s are “marriage-neutral” with no vested interest in helping couples stay together. They
simply want to help couples “move-on,” regardless of whether that’s toward
reconciliation or divorce.
Take-Away: When
searching out marital counseling, find a therapist who is pro-marriage and committed to helping you make your marriage work. [2]
Helpful Reading
Steph: We also began
reading books on marriage and communication. Some notable standouts are: Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus by John Gray The 5
Love Languages by Dr. Gary
Chapman; and The
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. While we read other books together, these
three made the most tangible difference for us.
Take-Away: Find reading
material that is time-tested and reliable.
Marriage Enrichment
Paul: After working hard on our relationship for several
years, we were in a much better place and decided to attend a Worldwide
Marriage Encounter weekend. This decision has had the single most positive
and enduring impact on our marriage. This is not a weekend away at the
mountains or the beach, but an organized program designed to help take couples
deeper into intimacy. We learned key concepts such as: love is a
decision that we must make over and over again and that healing and
forgiveness are essential in any relationship. We learned a communication
technique where we share
our feelings daily to foster more intimate communication between us and
so much more. Now, we make it a point to attend some kind of marriage
enrichment event at least once per
year.
Take-Away: Find a Marriage
Encounter weekend near you right now – while your marriage is still good! [3]
Steph: Our journey
from disillusionment to joy is the beautiful “work” of marriage – work that is
ongoing. If you have an experience that was helpful in saving your marriage,
please share it with us in the comments below.
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