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Photo by John Mark-Smith |
Becoming parents is such an amazing
blessing. From the moment we first hold
our newborn child, our world is changed.
Whether navigating the terrible two’s or adjusting to parenting young
adults, we learned something that is crucial about parenting – we are much
stronger together than we are as individuals.
MARK: With no parenting manual, we fumbled through the early
years of parenting our first child. Mel
and I parented individually and differently, each of us following our own
parents’ examples.
MEL: When our second child arrived, our differences were
really put to the test. My natural
parenting style was loving and gentle, and I struggled with discipline and to
say no to the kids. Mark handled day-to-day
discipline easily, but was less comfortable with deep discussions with the
kids, like how to handle feelings of anger or loneliness. Mark and I clashed on how to parent them. We were divided, our kids knew it, and they
used it to their advantage.
MARK: When our kids
were 5 and 8, Mel and I attended a Worldwide Marriage Encounter weekend
experience. From our discussions that
weekend, we realized we were parenting individually in ways that lacked
consistency for our children. We began
to take steps to parent them as a team..
MEL: We struggled at
first to find our groove. I still
thought my parenting style was better, and Mark was tentative about becoming
more involved in “my territory.”
MARK: Eventually we
realized that our kids needed both of our parenting styles and that we should support
each other with these differing styles.
We had lots of discussion on what’s best for our children, including how
we would discipline them.
MEL: Top priority for me was to avoid holding parenting disagreements
in front of the kids. They needed to
know that they couldn’t play us against each other any longer. When an issue cropped up, I told the kids
that Dad and I needed to discuss it before we would respond. Mark and I set family rules and made it clear
what the consequences would be if they broke the rules.
MARK: I wanted our kids to see us as a parenting team in more
ways than just discipline. I wanted them
to relish fun time as we planned a family outing together and to enjoy the
comfort and security of Mel and me sharing their nightly bedtime routine. They needed to know that they could count on both
of us to be there for them when they needed us.
Through parenting as a team, we have
seen a difference in our children’s behavior and character. Strategizing together is comfortable now. We learn from each other, and are open to considering
each other’s input. Our children have
thrived in a way they couldn’t have if we had continued to parent as
individuals. Parenting as a team has
made all the difference.
Great reflection! So many parents are overburdened (lack of time, tenuous financial resources, distance from family support, etc.); it can be easy to get overwhelmed and anxious. This reflection underscores creating that "team mindset" that offers support to each other and provides great stability for children.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment. So true! We had one parent stressed by "too much" time with the kids and the other parent stressed by a deficit. And, with the closest family 300 miles away, it was challenging. The team mindset gave us both a sense of support even when just one of us was with the kids.
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