The Couples Post

Fall ushers in beautiful color, long shadows and cooler weather. Parents and kids thrive with the routine of school. This fall is anything but typical  as we grow even more weary of the pandemic. We worry about finances and fret as to whether to send kids to school or stay virtual. With wildfires and hurricanes of epic proportion and a looming election, it seems the social fabric of our country is being ripped to shreds. In these stressful times, how do we find solid ground?

Being married to someone for a long time doesn’t just build a family, it also builds familiarity.  You know exactly what buttons you can push with your spouse.  It’s like a superpower in a way, and with great power comes great responsibility.

JULIE:  It is 7 a.m. and I'm awake before the alarm, mind racing as I go over the mental checklist of what  needs to be done today. John is out cold. He is exhausted from the physical and mental demands of the past week of caring for his parents while helping them sort through and pack up a lifetime’s worth of belongings.  Now it is moving day, the day they will start their final chapter together in assisted living.  The melancholy in the air is stifling.

You may have heard the analogy that men are like waffles, women like spaghetti. Neuroscientists have found that typically the male brain focuses on one thing at a time while females tend to mentally juggle multiple thoughts. For example, when a man is doing the dishes, he's thinking about...the dishes. When a woman is doing the dishes, she might be thinking about the grocery list, that salad for the picnic on Saturday, the dentist appointment tomorrow, and that she needs to call her parents to see how they're doing. All this mental and emotional work is invisible, but it can be exhausting.

Janine:One evening Ken asked if I wanted to watch a movie.  I was appalled at his suggestion.  Couldn't he see everything that needed to be done?  I did NOT have time to sit and watch a movie.  One discovery we've made is the value of simple communication and understanding the fundamental difference in how our brains are wired.  Not only can Ken NOT read my mind, I now understand…