Skip to main content

Sex: Spontaneous or Planned . . . Let the Conversation Begin

 

Happy New Year to all!  We are so grateful that 2020 is clearly in our rear-view mirror.  What a relief.  The start of a new year is traditionally set aside for reflection and resolutions.  For us, 2021 was no different. We often make couple as well as individual resolutions.  Stress and busyness, age and life in general had cooled our sexual relationship to a slow simmer.  Our 2021 goal is :  "Some is good.  More is better!"  Planned or spontaneous -- all is good! Let the conversation begin.

MF:    It has often been said that spontaneous anything is better -- think chocolate, surprise gifts and vacations.  They are more fun, exciting and more exhilarating.  Spontaneous sex is well . . . sexier.  Spontaneous implies being open to love making any time.  I get it, but what a guilt trip for someone who thrives on completion of a task and a day well planned.  For me, the notion that spontaneous sex is better sends the message that planned love making is not sexy enough.  Don't get me wrong, planning doesn't mean that it has to be penciled in on the calendar for it to happen.  Planning can be as simple as, "Hon, how about coffee and some romance before church?" or "Let's skip the movie and have a sex date."  Planning can be a romantic text when Tom is stuck at the office:  "Hey Baby, How about tonight . . .?"  

I am blessed.  I don't think Tom has ever turned down an invitation from me and planning the romance is half the fun.  Who doesn't look forward to a date night?  For me, planning can be sexy and it puts me in the mood.

TOM When we first married spontaneous and sex seemed to go together like apples and pie.  As we had children, more job responsibilities and our need to 'adult' increased, our sexual relationship became more planned and predictable.  "Early and often" was my motto.  But when I came home from work and MF had had 5 kids crawling over her all day, the last thing she wanted was to be fondled by me.  In fairness, many of the activities of our life needed to be more planned.  As we have aged our bodies respond better to at least some structure around our love making and ongoing conversation in this area.

We have learned over the years that it is important to talk about our expectations, (see Ken and Janine's post 07-19-2020), needs for privacy, priorities, our likes and dislikes with regard to love making, even the issue of spontaneous vs. planned sex.  Love making in a marriage can be far more intimate and bonding than hot and steamy movie genre sex.  Honest communication is the key to the intimacy and growth in your sexual relationship.  We never become experts at sex.  We can always grow in this area.  Click here for 25 Questions to start your conversation.

Comments

Other Popular Posts

5 Things Men Want

1. RESPECT: (KEN) : When a man is asked, 'Would you rather be respected or loved?' most would choose being respected.  In his book Love and Respect , Dr. E. Eggerichs explains this tendency.   (JANINE) : For years, I didn't appreciate how important it was to Ken that I treat him with respect.  I also didn't understand how hurtful it was when I dis respected him.  When I show Ken respect ( by affirming his decisions,  avoiding sarcasm or by not using a demeaning tone) it translates (for him) into feeling 'loved.'  Another way to say this is: when a man is dis respected, he receives the message he is NOT loved. 2.  SEX:  

What Can’t You Afford to Edit out of Your Story?

Michelle: When I was a teenager, I remember coming home after breaking up with a guy and my dad asking me how it went. I gave the inevitable teenage response, “I don’t want to talk about it.” My dad responded, “You don’t have to. But you do need to remember that there are some things in life that you can’t afford to edit out of your story. Is this one of them?”

The 5 "P's" of Constructive Feedback

Photo Credit:  Ian Schneider (Reprise of post originally published on 09-16-2019) We once read an article on criticism in marriage.  The Author's bottom line was "don't do it."  Even asking: "Can I give you some feedback?" was cautioned against.  Sometimes suggestions given with the best intent with regard to work, chores, relationships with the kids can back fire.  Think back seat driving.  Experience has taught us 5 Key Points for when we just want to give each other a little suggestion.  These 5 simple points set the tone and enable us to let down our defenses and be supportive of each other when offering a little constructive feedback.   

Remember When...

It's easy to get lost in our day-to-day. Once we're out of the honeymoon phase of marriage and real life settles in, we develop routines and patterns of behavior. We become consumed by the here and now, and sometimes we can lose sight of the excitement and passion that brought us together and inspired us to get married in the first place.

The Healing Power of Touch

  Our last blog explored a super power we all have within us – the Super Power of Affirmation.    But did you know that you possess another Super Power?  It’s the Healing Power of Touch.  Holy Hole in a Doughnut, Batman!  Bet you didn’t know you had all that in you!

Easter Greetings!

 Dear Readers, As Spring unfolds and we continue to recover from this pandemic, there could not be a more wonderful time to nurture relationship growth. Wishing you a Happy Easter and a Springtime of Promise. From all of us at TheCouplesPost

When All Else Fails . . . Eat Ice Cream

For many of us the COVID honeymoon is long over.  Isolation, loss of routines, access to the gym, financial worries, working from home and changing school schedules has had us stretched too thin too long.  We'd rather eat an entire loaf of bread than bake one and if we hear how much someone enjoys the extra time with their kids we'll scream!  This is COVID Stress.  We've all experienced it.

10 Things Women Want

1)  Learn her “Love Language :"   And speak it often! (Learn more:  What Language Are You Speaking? ) Janine’s love language is “Acts of Service.” So, when I vacuum or do dishes or cook, it fills up her ‘love tank' - her mood brightens and there’s a whole different vibe between us.   I can tell I’ve found a direct path to her heart.  

8 Misunderstandings That Are Hurting Your Sex Life

Why are we writing about sex again?  Sex in marriage is more important than most people think.  It's mysterious. There are a lot of "layers" and complexities to this whole topic.... read on... 

Getting More of What You Want in Your Marriage

Recently, we attended a work-shop on how to incorporate more positivity into our lives. We were reminded how easily the challenges of life can dominate our thinking. This can be especially true where our couple relationship is concerned. Have you ever thought, “He never gives me any affection” or “She always nags me”?